Why I Can't Have Nice Kings (Idiocy & Imagination Book 1) by Matthew Helbig

Author:Matthew Helbig [Helbig, Matthew]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780999590003
Published: 2017-12-27T22:00:00+00:00

Absolutely No Werewolves

The sun went down completely. With Thysla’s ultra-fast pace, we had little chance to catch her. Our only hope was that something would slow her down. In the dark of night, there was always a slim chance that she would bump into something or, at the very least, get lost.

I was really hoping for a toy store in the middle of the woods. Don’t argue with me about how that would make no sense; nothing had made any sense at this point, anyway. Really, Santa Claus was just as likely to be behind the next tree as a knight.

The evening of the next day, we came upon a sleepy village of about twenty buildings. Apparently, we had marched all the way back to the main road.

“Do you think she went through here?” Cat said. “What should we do, Harry?”

“No idea. I think The One is sleeping.”

“She didn’t leave any trail,” Jackal said. “Might as well ask around. We have no other leads. Let’s split up into two groups. Harry, you’re with me. The rest of you, go to the tavern. People are always talkative there.”

Cat saluted. “Yes, ma’am.”

“We’re here for information, Cat,” Wolf said. “Don’t drink too much.”

“I won’t drink anything. Mr. Plot Device is a recovering alcoholic, and I need to show solidarity.”

Cat and Mr. Plot Device walked away laughing, their hands flickering in constant communication. Wolf shook his head and followed a good distance away.

“Where to?” I said.

Jackal turned away from Cat and started walking. “We need to find the local busybody or someone else who might have seen Thysla.”

“There’s somebody. Let’s ask him.” I pointed to a man standing in the center of the square. I was in a hurry, so I ran toward him before she could answer.

“Stop!” she called. “I think I saw him bite a dog a few minutes ago.”

My mouth was open before I had fully registered his tattered clothes or the pungent mixture of filth and alcohol. “Excuse me, sir. Do you have time for a few questions?”

He attempted to pee on my shoe. His accuracy was quite impressive, given that he still had his pants on, but I managed to dodge. He gave me a broad, stupid grin.

“Myargh.” His tongue drooped out of his mouth.

“He can’t help us, Harry. He’s clearly the town idiot.”

His eyes widened at the sight of Jackal. Was that embarrassment I sensed? Clearly, at least part of his brain worked.

“No,” I said. “He’s just a little too good at being an idiot. Now, if you could answer a question, fella, I’ll give you this shiny coin. Have you seen a small girl coming from the forest recently? I swear, I won’t tell any of the townspeople that you’re not an idiot. I also promise not to return fire.”

Big strings of drool dribbled from his mouth. He was still peeing, too. I didn’t think it was humanly possible to pee for that long. He had been going for over a minute.

“The girl is around four years old, with blonde hair in braids, and can move at an incredible pace.

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